No, the Tequila is not to Blame

Para sa isang kaibigan na nangangailangan ng isang matinding untog… At para sa mga
lalaking kahit may Girlfriend na ay nakukuha pang manlandi sa ibang babae. (maraming matatamaan dito)

* retrieved from my email * author unknown *
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The day after Valentine’s, you found yourself inside the bathroom, kneeling in front of the toilet bowl, and throwing up everything inside you. Wala na nga lumalabas, suka ka pa rin ng suka. Kulang na lang, iluwa mo na rin pati bituka mo. Gusto mo na nga himatayin eh. Buti nga sa iyo. Kung makainom ka kasi kagabi, akala mo katapusan na ng mundo.
 
How many shots of tequila have you had last night? 19? 20? You couldn’t remember. You lost count after your 12th. Ayan, sige, sumuka ka pa. Masakit na ba ulo mo? Masakit na ba tuhod mo? Kanina ka pa nakaluhod diyan ah. And now you’re  swearing never to drink again… Hay naku, ilang beses ka na ba sumumpang hindi na iinom?

Bakit ka ba kasi nagpakalasing? Ano ba meron kahapon? Valentine’s Day lang naman ah! And, like the previous Valentines, you spent it with your friends… Sanay ka na. Lagi namang ganoon, di ba?

Umpisa pa lang ng Valentine’s week, you tried not to be affected with the mush around you. And you succeeded. Kapag may nagtanong sa iyo kung anong gagawin mo sa Valentine’s, you managed to get out of it without sounding pathetic dahil barkada mo na naman ang kasama mo. Eh, ano masama doon?

Pero mukhang nakasama yata sa iyo ang Valentine’s night out with your friends. Binuhos mo lahat ng frustrations mo sa beer at alak. Ginagawa mong tubig ang SMB at ni hindi ka na nagle-lemon sa tequila mo. Kung makainom ka, akala mo isang dekada kang na-deprive ng alcohol. Kaya ayan…

Last night, you got drunk and did something really stupid: you flirted with him.

He was a certified asshole. It was also Valentine’s when he started flirting with you. Kung hindi ba naman siya asshole talaga eh nasa kusina lang ang girlfriend niya noon, nagpi-prito ng cheese sticks na pulutan niyo. But you were sensible then to ignore his dalliance. Eh paano, may iba kang boylet noon. Kaya kahit na he was coming on to you, dedma ka lang.

But that summer, you and your boylet drifted apart. And his girlfriend was busy reviewing for her board exam. It started with one forwarded text message that he sent. The next thing you knew, you were always on the phone with him.

He was extra nice to you. He’d call you every night to ask you how your day was. He gave you chocolates and cookies. He even gave you a CD compilation of all your favorite songs that he himself burned. During your gimiks, he would hold you close or put his arms around you. Ano ba kayo? You never bothered asking. Basta, you enjoyed what was happening. You enjoyed the attention he was giving you.

You were stupid to believe that what you had was something special! You seemed to forget that he had a girlfriend. The GF was busy and she had no time for him. But you weren’t busy. And you were always available. So you became the surrogate GF. Substitute lang kasi whenever she was around, on the side ka na lang. Kapag wala siyang text sa iyo, iisa lang ang ibig sabihin noon. He was with his girlfriend.

Pero okay lang sa iyo. You were already in love with him. And you wanted to believe that he felt the same for you, too. Although he never told you he loved you, you convinced yourself that his actions said it all. So you patiently waited for your turn. Gaga ka talaga. Nagtitiyaga ka na lang sa tira-tira.

Medyo natauhan ka naman noon so you stopped replying to his text messages. And you started to decline his invitations to go out. To forget him, you found yourself another boylet. You went out on a date with other guys. Pero bakit ganoon? Kahit na iba kasama mo, naiisip mo pa rin siya? You kept on remembering the times he held you tight in Tagaytay, the inuman sessions you had in Malate, the movies that you watched, the phone conversations that lasted for hours.

It was in August when you heard the news from a friend. Break na sila ng GF niya. You wanted to rejoice. Parang gusto mong lumabas at ilibre ng beer ang lahat ng tambay sa kanto. But wait, may pahabol na balita. Kaya pala sila nag-break ay dahil
may bago siyang GF. Oo, GF! Bago. Na-meet niya sa party. Damn, ang sakit noon! Imagine, ang tagal mo naghintay, tapos, hindi rin pala ikaw?

You realized na asshole talaga siya. Na pinaglalaruan ka lang niya. Kung talagang mahal ka niya, bakit iba ang pinili niya noong nag-break sila ng GF niya? Bakit hindi ikaw?

You cried for a week. And then you called all your friends and recounted everything that happened between you and him. Kahit iyong mga high school friends mo na ang tagal mong hindi nakausap, tinawagan mo para lang magkuwento. That was your way of coping with the pain. That was your worst heartache.

There were days when all you could do was stare at the blinking cursor of your computer for hours. You couldn’t work because all you could think of was how foolish you had been. Sinisisi mo sarili mo dahil nagpauto ka lang sa kanya. Pero tapos na yun. His episode in your life was over. And you wanted to move on…

After the acceptance stage is the avoidance. Nag-disappearing act ka sa buhay niya since then. You were always out, asleep, or busy whenever he’d call. You always had an excuse kapag niyayaya ka ng mga barkada mo sa gimik kung saan alam mong makikita mo siya. You severed ties not only with him, but also with the people who reminded you of him.
When you received a text message from his barkada, inviting you to a Valentine gimik, pinag-isipan mong mabuti. You thought it’s time to finally see him again. Feeling mo kasi, okay ka na. Feeling mo, you could face him again. Feeling mo, you have moved on and forgotten him. Ang tagal niyo na hindi nagkita, you were hoping na okay ka na. Na wala na talaga.

Wala na nga ba?

Last night, you saw him again. Walang nagbago. Medyo tumaba siya pero charming pa rin siya. At first, nagkakailangan kayo. Pero habang lumalalim ang gabi, unti-unting bumalik ang dating siya. At ang dating ikaw.

And then you started swigging one tequila shot after another.

Teka… alam ko na why you were drinking heavily last night. You wanted to get drunk. Yes, you did it on purpose. Because you wanted to have an excuse for the foolishness you’d be doing later.

A few months ago, you were cursing him. Kulang na lang, ipabugbog mo siya sa mga pinsan mong maton. Lahat na yata ng mura, nagamit mo na sa kanya. You vowed never to be swayed by him again.

But last night was different. You were willing to rekindle whatever happened between you and him before. You were willing to forget all the things he did and start on a clean slate. You were doing things you shouldn’t have done.

You knew your friends would go ballistic kapag nalaman nila ang ginawa mo. And you thought you could get away with it by saying, “I was drunk. I didn’t know what I was doing.” You wanted to blame the tequila for the foolishness you did.

When you woke up around noon, you had a splitting headache and an upset stomach. And the things you said and did the night before came crashing like scenes in the movie. Parang flashback. And you wanted to kick yourself for allowing yourself to be vulnerable with him again. Because you realized that you still loved him…

The day after Valentine’s, you found yourself inside the bathroom, kneeling in front of the toilet bowl, and throwing up everything inside you. It was your way of cleansing, of getting rid of him for good. Pero kahit na anong suka pa ang gawin mo,
hindi mo siya maaalis sa sistema mo… hindi muna.

Pero okay lang iyan. Don’t hate yourself just because you still love him. Sabi nila, you can’t control your emotions. But it’s what you do with your emotions that matters. Okay lang na i-acknowledge na may feelings ka pa sa kanya, as long as alam mo na hindi dapat. At tanggap mo na mali. One day, magigising ka na lang at mare-realize mo na you are completely over him. Habang hindi pa dumarating ang araw na iyun, lumayo ka na lang muna sa tequila.